Canadiana Connection Regional Ribbing

Top Ten Reasons Why Canada did not join USA in the War on Iraq...

10. We have no way of getting there.
9. We are too busy at home with the Maple Syrup Season.
8. Iraqis don't drink Labatts beer.
7. Saddam's name pronounced backwards is "Mad Ass". We'll stay away from him.
6. There is only limited potential for sales of Canadian Bacon in Iraq after the war.
5. Our Sea King Helicopter was damaged and needs repairs.
4. Celine Dion can't sing to the troops because she has a contract in Las Vegas
3. The Rivers in Iraq are too shallow for our War Canoes.
2. Lousy hockey in Iraq at this time of year
1. Our army is needed at home in case of another snow storm in Toronto.

Blonde in a Blizzard

It was snowing heavily & blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot & wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up & thought about her situation.

She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by & follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better & sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by & she started to follow it.

As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued & she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped & the driver got out & came back to her car & signalled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine & told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him & she could continued if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot & was going over to Canadian Tire next.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Canadians plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)

• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Canadians Sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

• Italian Cars won't start
• Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)

• Distilled water freezes
• Canadian water get thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)

• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)

• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Canadians rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)

• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)

• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Revenue Canada Audit

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined Revenue Canada, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders: maybe even a Canadian version of the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then,they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi..
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada in Sudbury."
"Revenue Canada?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Revenue Canada ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Regional Ribbing

Canadian SOS

Top Ten Reasons Why Canada did not join USA in the War on Iraq...

Blonde in a Blizzard

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

Revenue Canada Audit

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